During the last retreat in Sinai, a participant approached me and shared with me that she had problems with her sexuality.
I asked her what the problems were? “Insecurity,” she replied.
Since insecurity didn’t seem like the right explanation,
I asked her if she meant that she didn’t feel safe when she got into bed with another person?
Her look changed and she said yes.
We are sexual beings. And sexuality, whether we realize it or not, is a very significant part of our lives.
We came into the world through our parents’ sexuality, we are attracted to other people, we pleasure ourselves, we have sexual and loving relationships, and yet most of us don’t always know how to reach a state where we feel safe in bed.
What does safe mean? The ability to communicate our desires, concerns, fears, boundaries, that we can communicate what we feel and experience during the relationship, and feel comfortable changing, stopping or asking for anything we want during sex.
I meet women who have been in relationships for years and are unable to tell their partners that they are not happy, that they would like more/something different, that they don’t see them and so on.
For years I was afraid to enter into sexuality with women. I learned from a young age to want, and to do what I was supposed to do in order to come out the most impressive man in bed. In certain situations when a woman came with desires and energies that did not match mine, I was scared. Sometimes I would find myself doing things that were unpleasant to me, not being able to “function”, and especially not creating the experience I wanted.
Pornic act
Most of us learned about sexuality through movies, series and porn.
During those scenes, two people are usually seen, who give the impression that they are confident, know exactly what the other wants, look good and they enter into an act that looks great. What is called a pornic act
But in reality, we have all gone through experiences, trials, fears, emotions and insecurities in our lives – certainly with our sexuality, and yet we try to copy the same scenes from which we learned about sexuality.
Among other things, that copying includes avoiding conversation before or during the act, and it mainly prevents the conversation that creates confidence, intimacy and closeness.
Which leads to a situation where we can be in a situation where we can have the most intimate and close relationships without feeling intimate and close.
This is something that can be easily solved by changing our mindset towards communication about sexuality.
After years of avoidance and apprehension, I started to say and lead the situation that would make me feel safe.
If two people want different things, the person who needs things that will make them feel safe “wins” and acts according to what they need.
The thing is, most of us think that talking about sex before or during “ruins the moment” – but the opposite is true,
Once we communicate our boundaries and desires before and during the encounter, there is much more freedom afterwards.
What do I suggest? Opportunity..
Next time before you get into bed, make a decision, to freely speak what I have to say, that I will communicate during if I don’t like it, if it’s not accurate for me, or if I want something else.
The other thing is a familiar discourse in the worlds of conscious sexuality called: RBDSM.
A discourse designed to create clarity and security so that all parties can be calm and not be prevented by image, ego or gratification.
Relationshipshop
Boundaries
Desiress
Sexual Health
Meaning
Aftermath
Consciousness
Relationships: Where am I now in life, am I dating other people, what am I looking for
or what do I not want.
Boundaries: What are my boundaries? Do I have boundaries? Do I understand them? Do I want sex? Or maybe I just get into bed for a hug and a little touch, it’s a boundary I want to communicate, that way I don’t accidentally get touched in an area I don’t like being touched.
Desires: What do I want to happen? What do I like? Where do I feel comfortable?
STDs: Have I been tested recently? Do I have anything? Am I going to put on a condom?
Meaning: What does this act symbolize for me?
Maybe for me it’s the beginning of a relationship and the person in front of me wants something one-time
What after: What do I want after it’s over? Maybe I want spoons? And the person I’m with wants to sleep alone?
Consciousness: Are either of us under the influence of alcohol or drugs?
All of these are communicated before you, and then there is no room for disappointments, mistakes, complacency, hurt, fears, and disappointments.
